Monday, 9 February 2009


Yesterday I told a lead balloon joke to a surly teenage till tart in Topman while trying to pay for a pair of jeans. I had an abundance of coins with me, a pride of pound coins and insisted on paying for my jeans with 25 of them. They’re good honest tender so no problem surely? As I counted them out, he looked up in panic at the thought of having to count rather than get his till to ‘do the math’ and said:

‘How, like, have you got, like, so many coins?’

Quick as a flash and with the spirit of spontaneity, I replied: ‘My mum’s a stripper.’

Lightening zing.

He looked confused. I immediately thought, damn he’s quite young and maybe doesn’t know about strip bars when you put a pound in a pint glass. Maybe he was feeling guilty cos he’d been to one the night before. Maybe his mum was actually a stripper and he was a bit sensitive about it. Maybe he was confused.


He replied.

Oh. Oh? OH? What the frak? That was comedy gold, delivered in the spirit of spontaneity. I’ve never had a zinger like that before. I was so proud and yet he stood there nonplussed at my joke. I’m wasted on teenagers, I thought. I looked at him as he surlily counted up the change, using his fingers to keep track of the coins. And I thought, great, grunge is back in fashion. He had the long blonde coiffure Kurt Cobain hair, a red checked shirt and Soundgarden trousers. And I stood there thinking, I am officially old. Fashions that were fashionable when I was at an age to be concerned with fashion are now retro. I am officially old. I am old. I am past it. What’s the point of trying to start a new band? What’s the point of Bhangra Pistols? What’s the point of trying to keep up with current trends? I should start digging in the garm-chives for old t-shirts with smiley faces on them. I am old. Old old old.

This weekend involved the following:

- Houseguests having loud nookie when they were supposed to be preparing to leave our house.
- A burst radiator.
- An insanely thrilling new episode of Battlestar Galactica.
- Listening to Belle and Sebastian ‘Dear Catastrophe Waitress’; Moldy Peaches ‘Unreleased and live’; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah’s first album; a Willy Mason album I didn’t enjoy; Beirut’s first album, Gulag Orchestra; and Adam Green’s first album. Fun.
- Listening to a scary man singing ‘You Raise Me Up’ and ‘Put a Ring On It’ on the bus at top volume and then shouting at people for staring at him.
- Watching my neighbour steal the angry man next door’s wheelie bin.
- Overreacting to the burst radiator and calling the police to force an entry to the upstairs flat to turn their heating off.
- A credit-crunch-beating-dinner.
- Dancing to riot grrl in Brixton’s fine Jamm with my intended-betrothed.
- Getting sullenly angry with houseguests.
- Twittering too much.
- New 30 Rock, Scrubs and The Office in one binge.

Pretty successful.

1 comment:

corrie said...

hahaha, it was a good joke... I would have laughed... Maybe the 'Oh' was him doing the maths of how old your mum must be and still be stripping, followed by wondering who is putting these pounds in her glass...

love and light...