Zing!

Yesterday I told a lead balloon joke to a surly teenage till tart in Topman while trying to pay for a pair of jeans. I had an abundance of coins with me, a pride of pound coins and insisted on paying for my jeans with 25 of them. They’re good honest tender so no problem surely? As I counted them out, he looked up in panic at the thought of having to count rather than get his till to ‘do the math’ and said:

‘How, like, have you got, like, so many coins?’

Quick as a flash and with the spirit of spontaneity, I replied: ‘My mum’s a stripper.’

Lightening zing.

He looked confused. I immediately thought, damn he’s quite young and maybe doesn’t know about strip bars when you put a pound in a pint glass. Maybe he was feeling guilty cos he’d been to one the night before. Maybe his mum was actually a stripper and he was a bit sensitive about it. Maybe he was confused.

‘Oh.’

He replied.

Oh. Oh? OH? What the frak? That was comedy gold, delivered in the spirit of spontaneity. I’ve never had a zinger like that before. I was so proud and yet he stood there nonplussed at my joke. I’m wasted on teenagers, I thought. I looked at him as he surlily counted up the change, using his fingers to keep track of the coins. And I thought, great, grunge is back in fashion. He had the long blonde coiffure Kurt Cobain hair, a red checked shirt and Soundgarden trousers. And I stood there thinking, I am officially old. Fashions that were fashionable when I was at an age to be concerned with fashion are now retro. I am officially old. I am old. I am past it. What’s the point of trying to start a new band? What’s the point of Bhangra Pistols? What’s the point of trying to keep up with current trends? I should start digging in the garm-chives for old t-shirts with smiley faces on them. I am old. Old old old.

This weekend involved the following:

- Houseguests having loud nookie when they were supposed to be preparing to leave our house.
- A burst radiator.
- An insanely thrilling new episode of Battlestar Galactica.
- Listening to Belle and Sebastian ‘Dear Catastrophe Waitress’; Moldy Peaches ‘Unreleased and live’; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah’s first album; a Willy Mason album I didn’t enjoy; Beirut’s first album, Gulag Orchestra; and Adam Green’s first album. Fun.
- Listening to a scary man singing ‘You Raise Me Up’ and ‘Put a Ring On It’ on the bus at top volume and then shouting at people for staring at him.
- Watching my neighbour steal the angry man next door’s wheelie bin.
- Overreacting to the burst radiator and calling the police to force an entry to the upstairs flat to turn their heating off.
- A credit-crunch-beating-dinner.
- Dancing to riot grrl in Brixton’s fine Jamm with my intended-betrothed.
- Getting sullenly angry with houseguests.
- Twittering too much.
- New 30 Rock, Scrubs and The Office in one binge.

Pretty successful.