Monday, 8 September 2008

Nineteen Naughty Free

I’m reminding you all that when the 90s is back in fashion, I was there first time around. Cos you didn’t listen to me when the 80s came back and suddenly I was surrounded by your stupid checked shirts and flock of seagulls strands of hair. It’s not funny. It’s not retro-irony. It’s stupid and so are you. It wasn’t funny or cool the first time round, and mark my words, honky, neither was the nineties.

Hmm, good things about the nineties? Apart from the first Supergrass album and the better seasons of Saved by the Bell (Zack shelved his beef with AC Slater, they set up Zack Attack and did a hip hop version of Snow White and the Seven Dorks), there wasn’t much else. Apparently there was a golden age of rap or something but that golden age of rap was like a reverse time machine. UK hip-hop’s a better version of it. Believe, blud. Safe yeah.

I will be eBaying my original Kurt Cobain ‘I hate myself and I want to die’ t-shirt in the next few months and subsequently looking into retirement villas. If I were you, I’d be thinking of funny catchphrases to stick on a t-shirt with Dustin Diamond’s onerous mug on it. If you weren’t pop culture-savvy in the 90’s, I mean Screech from Saved by the Bell. Also, Harold Bishop and Lou Carpenter in some sort of Odd Couple type pose. Bianca from Eastenders. The two twins from Grange Hill who will never do better than their work on Hollyoaks. Why are there no t-shirts from the 80s with Mr fucking Bronson on it? No, the point you decided to make was, look at how shit fashion was then… why on earth would you then want to parade around in it? My god, my mother was still responsible for clothing me in the 80s and I wore some hideous shit, most of it hand-me-downs from my colourblind auntie. The first ever purchase I made on my own dime was Bleubolt jeans, a Snoop Doggy Dogg tshirt and a broach with a cannabis leaf on it. I was well gangsta in the nineties.

And when the nineties do come back, I hope Menswe@r do some sort of reunion tour, starting at the Camden Palace, burning out all the teenagers dressed in grunge attire and Billy Corgan-skinheads (*true fact* Billy Corgan invented the indie baldie look) and replace the word Koko with the immortal sign, Camden Palace. Burn, Babylon, burn. I know Camden ain’t too hot on flames at the moment, but hey, is it insensitive taking back the place where I saw Craig Maclachan sing Hey Mona?

If you were 18 months old in 1993, you won’t even remember the first Eternal album, or have seen Jurassic Park first time round and been well excited about shit animatronics rather than stupid computer shit that makes all action scenes look like they’re from Tekken 7 rather than anything resembling real-life people.

You know what else happened in the nineties? Kim Basinger (ask your dad- he probably dreamt of her with his baby batter) bought a town, pulled out of a film, got sued and then lost her town as part of the settlement. Yeah, that’s right. What’s more insane than buying a motherfucking town. That’s why Kim Basinger is an O.G. (Original Gangsta, you young’un) and Angelina Jolie is sex doll filled with radioactive waste.

In the nineties, we still pointed at the telly and shouted ‘Mum, look a Paki’s on BBC2’ and it was when you could get across London on a bus for cheaper than a Marathon bar (ask your mum- she probably filled those long winter nights with one of these, then ask your dad his biggest wish and he’ll say, ‘Son/daughter, I wish they didn’t change the name from Marathon to Snickers…’).

My favourite nineties moment was when my dad got a phonecall to say his warehouse alarm had gone off. We went to check it out. Someone had burgled the warehouse but only managed to steal a half-eaten pack of Nice biscuits. On the way home we found out Princess Di-ed.

I’m off to pray to Sice from Boo Radleys. His head is so perfectly shaped, there’s no way he’s not god.

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