Semi-coherent rant

People on Facebook all seem to have at least one photo of them in a circle group of heads peering vertically down into a camera lense, and their heads are all touching and they're all smiling, thinking... 'awwww look at me and my BFF's'. I don't have any such photo in my library or Facebook but it doesn't make me any less of a friend with my friends, we're just a little less imaginative than most Facebook photographers. Maybe Facebook should come up with a generic template for photographs:

• Here's a photo of me doing something ker-azy - I'm wild, I'm unhinged, I'm unpredictable, I'm like a cop on the edge with a partner a day away from retirement.
• Here's a public display of man/girl love with my bezzie mate, the underlying homoerotic undertones betray the staged homoerotic overtones. Basically, we love each other in ways we're not ready to understand yet.
• Here's all our friends. Look at what great friends we are. Wow. Gosh. These are simply just... the days of our lives. We would do anything for each other, like buy rounds, drink beer, dance in loud clubs and talk about films we saw when we were kids. What friends!
• This is me looking mournful, probably thinking about armageddon or those who are more intolerant to lactose than me.
• This is the picture of me with other people's shoulders and necks crudely cropped out because it shows off my left side which is my more attractive side and stuff.

While we're on the subject, why do sound engineers know it all? What miracle sound-elixir have they heard night after night booming out of bass bins that has granted them the gift of authority? I wish I knew. I also wish I knew why I have to frequently wire up my own sound to the sounddesk, adjust faders and tones myself and generally do everything I need to, while the hired sound engineer hides a copy of Nuts in a copy of Sound on Sound and pretends to be reading up on low-end frequencies when he's really staring at jubblies. I know shit-all about being a sound engineer, and while I have a cursory knowledge of what I need to make me sound modest at best, I'm not paid being to arse around with knobs (sex-pun intended). And why do promoters start nights as the sole opportunity to showcase their new band, which is like evanescence mixed with klaxons- not a good combo in the slightest? The mind boggles, and if he ever reads this he'll probably not ever book me again, which would suck, because playing to rooms full of other bands waiting for their slot is as big as I'm ever gonna get, let's face it. Back to the poetical drawing board methinks. Languishing in the hell created by your own mediocrity is a painful truth to realise. Bloody hell, fucking hell, it was all in vain and those 500 CD's won't ever sell themselves. Not at these gigs. No way no how.

And sticking with the topic, it really irks me that The Ting Tings are basically Bis 10 years later. It shows me that Bis were so ahead of their time. If they'd come out now, we'd be screaming 'sugar-sugar-candy-pop' not 'shut up and let me go-heh'. I really wish I could place all my faith and belief in the lead singer of the Ting Tings when she states, for the record m'lud, that she ain't faking, she ain't faking this. Liars. Liars and devils, one and all. Bis ruled in their day. RIP.

It's ten minutes till I eat my leftover home-made paneer curry. Yesterday, a work colleague gave me her boyfriend's dhal to taste, because he wanted an 'Indian's opinion'. OK, for non-Indians trying to replicate Indian-style curries, follow the following bulletpointed list and you'll be fine.

• Don't ever, ever, ever, ever use raisins... ever.
• Buy FRESH coriander. Also, buy dried coriander. But also use FRESH coriander.
• Putting more chilli powder in doesn't make it tastier, you have to balance the chilli powder with the other spices.
• Don't buy curry powder. Buy the individual components of curry powder and work out what ratios taste better to you personally, not to generic unimaginative cooks.
• Yes, yes, forget these healthy times- oil is necessary, and the oil needs to be hot before putting in the onions.
• When putting the garlic in once the onions have softened, add ginger too.

Follow these rules and you'll do a lot better thank-you. As for more specific advice on recipes... I'm hardly going to betray family secrets am I? We're a proud bunch.